Samo-Embracing-All-The-Selves

..and reaction

2010-05-21T13:42:00.000+02:00

How M.Branton's blog appeared in my RSS reader

2010-05-18T13:41:00.008+02:00

Click to see how M.Branton's blog appeared in my RSS reader ...

One year after the poem

2010-01-28T14:05:00.004+01:00

The poem written almost a year ago
ended with grandiose alter after
surviving all of that, one thing
after another, and again, one thing
after another...

It was only normal to develop {{grandiose
alter}} who was however in the need of
being acknowledged, embraced, and
listened to very carefully...
...just like all other alters before him
were... ... so [{(grandeous me)}]

Now all parts got acknowledged, embraced,
listened to carefully, by each other!!!

And can continue walking down the street
as person with personal worth - just like
any other person... ...on the street...

Our "Intel...al Alter" and his concepts

2009-05-22T16:51:00.006+02:00

Our "Intel...al Alter" and his attempt to put all little concepts used by psychotherapists in a little map of therapy(ists)landia wonderland ;) here http://the-intellectual-alter.blogspot.com/2009/05/therapyistslandia-map-for-beginners.html

No more baby blanket

2009-05-13T13:41:00.005+02:00

Being accepted and embraced enough times by other blogging friends - thank you dear friends - we feel we don't need the image of baby blanket ( blanket = "cloth surrogate for warm embrace"), anymore - and we decided to remove "baby blanket" background and change our blog's color and header image in order to reflect this change in us...

As our new header says, other alters feel warmly accepted and embraced by Samo who was accepted and embraced by Sam (i.e. who was in turn accepted by other bloggers' and internalized it).

Another one gets a blog of his own

2009-05-12T16:35:00.003+02:00

This time it is our "icy cold intellectual one" who - we can see now - is not without feelings... Check it out - http://the-intellectual-alter.blogspot.com/

We feel we are able to let The (5 y.o.) Misunderstood One express himself in his own voice, as well

2009-05-07T12:50:00.011+02:00

The (5 y.o.) Misunderstood One - one of our littles - got his own room in the blogosphere, designed today according to his needs and preferences, where he can write letters in his own voice.

---

Today, as well, in password-protected post (the password being badonenotbadatall for the curious readers only :) ) the Bold One wrote the following (you still have to go to the protected post if you want to see the link removed here):

... today is the day when we feel we are able to let The “Bad” One (not to be confused with the Bold One) express his feelings in his own voice, at his own blog. Which is not unlike when a child in family can be trusted enough to be able to have his/her own room, and does not have to be in a crib in the corner of the parents’ bedroom, anymore.
So, we proudly present our "Bad" One's room/new blog made according to his/her own needs and preferences.

.

---

Now, back to my news :)

Our little one, The Misunderstood One (short for The AbandonedByParents&MisunderstoodByForeigners One) wrote his first "Letter to himself"/other current selves at the new blog he just got.

Thank you - for giving me my own voice.

You're welcome, little one, it's the least thing we can do for you.

...

After writing my previous post

2009-04-24T15:18:00.006+02:00

thanks to Castor Girl's support we managed to finish the website http://sites.google.com/site/GodApologizing2You/

One person found it helpful.

At least she is the only one who told me so.

If it helped only one (besides me)

to express the inexpressible feelings,

it was worth to go through all the fear we went through for it...

Thank you.

---
Explanation:

There comes a moment in recovery process when no matter who says what and how many times it is just not enough to make a difference, because the whole community/society/world would have to apologize for not intervening at the time, and because the whole can not speak, it is the symbolic representative of the whole - see Durkheim's sociological definition of God - who can make the difference.

The website is all about making the needed difference.

Does it make any difference to you?

I'm terribly afraid...

2009-04-09T00:00:00.002+02:00

I am terribly afraid to post a link to yet another (the promised and now almost finished) website, which is an elaboration on the idea noted in our Note No. 4. We made all necessary steps in order that anyone's feelings connected to concept of omnipotency would not to be offended in any way, but still there is a feeling of fear from possible repercussions coming from the (all-powerful) father, felt by our inner scared child alters.

Maybe we shall not post it... but it is the very scared child alters that might benefit from making the site visible the most - because if/when at least one other person's scared child alter finds it healing and good, the shared experience of healing effects would make them even stronger then individual experience only, BUT there is still a lot of fear. We need some external reassurance that it is ok to post the link.

Special and general theory of dissociativity :)

2009-04-07T14:51:00.006+02:00

Below you can see what was inspired by BTC's (thank you BTC) and her comment to my previous post in which our courageous (bold) alter came up with the question who do you love when you love a multiple person? It was a very special question, in every sense :)...

Now, below, you can see a more general question that is not limited to love, but includes other emotions felt by dissociative person in general.... kind of... "general" theory of dissociativity that is answering the following question.

The general question is... what does which alter (belonging to the first dissociative person) happen to feel in relation to other alters either belonging to the same dissociative person (i.e. intra-personally) or/and belonging to the other dissociative person ( i.e. inter-personally) ?

My inner sociogram (<- click to see Wikipedia article about sociograms) would look something like that - see the drawing below:

- - -

Castor Girl's comment http://castorgirl.wordpress.com/2009/05/09/host-personality-secrets/#comment-544 reminded us that we can make it better... so we decided to update the post with the bidirectional image above.

Who do you love when you love a multiple person?

2009-04-06T14:03:00.006+02:00

...
Below you can see a link to a website that my bold alter has created as result of him being inspired by Castor Girl's question in her blog comment.

The website is very simple, even minimalistic (no colors, no pretty graphics), just a few questions for dissociative ones (and/or their significant others)

Here is the link - who do you love when you say I love you (I apologize for my English -we are not a native speakers).

Our alters' messages from the visual side of blogs

2009-03-27T10:54:00.012+01:00

We have two blogs on two different blogger platforms. Each with a different visual message. (There would be more, if each and every alter wanted to have his own, of course.)

What kind of messages the alters happen to convey through the visual side of their blogs?

The bold alter's blog has a visual template showing a car (as a metaphor for the bold alter?) coming out from the darkness through a tunnel he had to dig all by himself almost alone, illuminating the path with his own lights boldly.

The words you are reading now, however, are written on a pale blue baby blanket that usually covers babies. Babies are soft, they have no teeth to bite and be bold, and in order to protect themselves, all a baby can do is merely cry and scream, nothing else. In other words - baby is the vulnerability at its extreme. That is the message from the visual side of the blog, as well.

I can afford to show it because the bold alter's job is/was to defend me and other vulnerable alters.

I was thinking of other bloggers, too.

For example, when David was saying in his reply to the BTC's post that he thinks his thing is vulnerability, we immediately connected what he said with our earlier subconscious impression of visual side of his blog as image of fortresses with very thick and very smooth (no ruptures in them, i.e. no signs of vulnerability) walls, defending the vulnerability.

-------------------------- (<-- the line which is semi dividing the post is a visual representation of (semi permeable) division serving the function of dividing and thus preventing one alter's memories/associations/emotions/trauma to be piled upon the rest of memories/associations/emotions/trauma in a person, which is *not* a failure, dear Richard Kluft
(click to
see the video saying it),
but a coping mechanism solely...)

An Update written by the Bold Alter:

I would like to add that the visual side of Kathy's blog is pretty cold and even clinically aseptic in comparison to mine ;)

Where the messages are coming from, in your opinion?

2009-03-18T09:27:00.005+01:00

I'm learning from my bold alter and am going to do what I see him doing at his own blog, namely, posting his replies to other bloggers again at his blog (to be able to keep track of his thoughts, probably). Below you can read my reply to a recent Vague's post:

Vague

I was glad to see the above attempt to gain the additional clarity about what is different in the way DIDers "hallucinate", i.e. experience 'visual' or 'auditory' messages from the alters (AND knowing that they come from within, which is not a characteristic of proper, i.e. psychotic hallucinations because they are believed by schizophrenics they are coming from outside).

My mother had several psychotic episodes (that were causing an additional trauma for/to me), but I only have DID experiences. This is the reason I don't want my condition to be mixed up with my mother's condition (just because of the similarities).

I want to gain some clarity about the difference which I belive is that DIDers *know* the 'visual' or 'auditory' messages are coming from within, can you agree with this?

Btw, I like the way you present your opinions - boldly and creatively, it reminds me of my beloved alter ;-) He even started his own blog because he wanted to make clear he is not a hallucination, can you imagine? Before he started his own blog, he expressed his opinion (at Kathy's blog) saying that being multiple voices does not equal merely hearing them, and he was very mad at me (his host) for not letting him speak of his own, can you imagine?

The superficiality of the lay notion of "personality"

2009-03-16T15:06:00.004+01:00

What lay people first see in different personalities are very much only the most superficial features. (Update - someone's personal name and/or someone's blog identity are a superficial attributes, as well!)

Do they see the deeply buried emotions hiding behind the skin? No, they see the skin's mannerisms, tone of the voice, etc.

It's such a nonsense as if computer programs (including OSes) would be judged only by its "skins", oh, wait a minute they are!

It is better not to even mention the term together with "multiple" in the same sentence.

The driving force behind the "personality" switch is never to look different. It is always to avoid something, namely, to avoid the extreme emotions caused by traumatizations. Be it extreme fear, or extreme courage that takes to do things despite the fear, or extreme anger, or extreme hate, extreme proudness of the fact that the anger was not acted-out (yet), or extreme revangefulness, or extreme paradoxical gratitude, or or extreme power over the victim internalized from the abusers, etc etc etc

Bottom line:
the lay notion of the term "personality" is so superficial.

DID for Dummies (especially for those at Wikipedia such as DreamGuy)

2009-03-16T13:58:00.005+01:00

Building on the metaphor from the previous post, I am going to try and illustrate how a computer with "DID" would come into existence, i.e. in what circumstances would a normal computer needed to become a "DID" computer.

Here is a story to illustrate it.

Suppose you are a computer that is having a certain OS (for example Windows, but it might be Mac OS or Linux as well:)).

From the day one when you were bought you got in contact with malware (such as computer viruses, worms, trojan horses etc) which would be making you unable to function the way you want and the environment expects you to.... If you were not lucky to have the ability to dissociate, oops, to multi boot, so you can become a dual-boot, triple-boot etc computer.

Your computer can switch from Windows "personality" to Mac OS X "personality" to Linux "personality" to Unix "personality" etc, depending on which "personality" is having problems with the environment or applications right now.

This is how you can still function normally when the other personality is having problems due to bad programing that can cause the other OS (alter) to re-experience re-traumatisation because of malware.

"DID" computers really have multiple OSes (operating systems) inside.

They are not like anyone other who can merely pretend to have another OS by emulating it (as in virtualization) within the one and only OS they happen to have - as normal computer (singletons) are only able to and the dummiest of them then think that this is what multi-boots are all about. No, it is not virtualization - the multi-boots can do any of such virtual sockpuppeting within any of the OSes, of course, but first of all they have real multiple OSes inside.

End of the story titled DID for Dummies (especially for those at Wikipedia such as DreamGuy)

So what would you like to change about yourself if you were a computer?

2009-03-09T13:09:00.023+01:00

My intellectual self likes to ask himself the question "What would I like to change about myself if I were a computer", because the metaphor allows him to see the many ways we can work on modifying ourselves at different levels ... (see table below)

RSS feeds	The - more or less skillful - ways my subscriptions to others happen to de/motivate me to use mySE skills (see what is included in Search Engine skills at one row below).
Search Engine	The - more or less skillful - ways my filters and labels happen to de/motivate me to use myWB skills (see what is included in Web Browser skills at one row below).
Web Browser	The - more or less skillful - ways my knowledge happen to de/motivate me to use myAS skills (see what is included in Application Suit skills at one row below).
Application Suit	The - more or less skillful - ways my beliefs and plans happen to de/motivate me to use myOS skills (see what is included in Operating System skills at one row below).
Operating System	The - more or less skillful - ways my emotions and attitudes happen to de/motivate me to use myBIOS skills (see what is included in Bios skills at one row below).
Bios	The - more or less skillful - ways my learned ways of moving and perceiving happen to de/motivate me to use my(EE)(P)ROM skills (see what is included in (EE)(P)ROM skills at one row below).
(EE)(P)ROM	The - more or less skillful - ways my instincts and Fixed Action Patterns (for example, the trauma response) stored in my body happen to de/motivate me to use my "peripheral devices" (my feet, legs, hips, torso, arms, hands, head) to respond to our (present day) outer reality.

Learning to find that many kind-looking people can be safe

2009-03-05T15:53:00.004+01:00

At the bottom of my blog I added a computer game that lets me learn to find that many kind-looking people can be safe to be with.

Big yes from accepting a lot of little no's

2009-03-05T14:20:00.001+01:00

Big yes from accepting a lot of little no's

It's not as hard to say goodbye as I thought.

2009-02-25T13:42:00.010+01:00

Below is a picture taken of the (unborn yet) reply to this post in Missing In Sight's blog just before the moment of choosing to give it life (send it), or not.

Host and alters mutually teaching each other new correct ways...

2009-02-11T15:42:00.004+01:00

I am slowly learning to see/acknowledge/welcome/accept (and validate as rightful and natural) the overlooked/rejected/invalidated extreme emotions expressed by alters.

Why?

Because they are expressing the emotions which "me" - the host - in the past was forbidden to feel, let alone express... and so I dissociated... and the alters were created... who can do it instead of "me" (the host).

But the challenge is now for "me" that alters are able to express those forbidden feelings in a very crude, elementary, and un-creative, un-refined, un-sofisticated, all-or-none, extreme ways.

Why the alters don't know how to express them in more correct ways?

Well, because the parents (and other important persons) had not shown any curiosity in/seen/accepted/welcomed/validated the rightfully so - extreme emotions, in the first place. If they were not to feel them, how on earth can they possibly know how to express them now?!

So the question is "How to express the feelings that were "missing in sight"/unseen/rejected/invalidated at the time in the first place now in more creative ways... nobody ever taught the inner children/the alters?"

I am, firstly, now learning slowly to feel what my alters feel, and, secondly, I am now slowly learning to compassionately teach my alters to express those rightfully so - extreme feelings in a creative ways (every Tuesday)

http://eftcommunity.emofree.com/forums/p/3931/22470.aspx#22470

Apology

2009-02-11T09:23:00.002+01:00

I am apologizing to Missing In Sight. I am sorry, Missing

My alters' suggestions were out of place and I apologize on his behalf.

Correcting one's own alter

2009-02-10T12:57:00.009+01:00

I have unexpectedly find an answer to my question from the previous post and the answer to the question "What does one do with one's alter's expressions of the extreme emotions"? is...

...do NOT throw them away,...

...do NOT leave them as is,...

...but DO correct them!

Eureka! ;)

I can wholeheartedly agree with my alter that showing a finger -- as a gesture that lets a BIT of accumulated disgust out of the system in creative way -- can indeed be a very liberating experience (very therapeutic one even as I have had an opportunity to see in my little self-help group recently many times).

But I disagree with his other suggestions, and have corrected his reply b/c of this in the picture above.

I have also found an image of this very gesture in one of the Castor Girl's youtube videos unexpectedly - here is a snapshot

Extreme emotions about somebody elses T.

2009-02-10T10:20:00.009+01:00

---

What does one do with the extreme feelings?

Suppressing them is one option. Dissociating them is another option. I prefer the latter.

If you suppress them, the body itself might express them, such as in conversion disorder - through bodily symptoms (BTW my mother died from suppressing her extreme feelings and they conversed into a deadly ulcus because of that).

I prefer to dissociate and leave to the alters to express one's (my?) extreme emotions.

So, the question now is rather "what does one do with one's alter's expressions of the extreme emotions"?

Recently, the (too much) bold alter of mine (?) had a nerve to reply to one of the recent Missing In Sight's blog posts... and - by expressing his extreme emotions about not even his, but somebody else's therapist - made me feel afterwards in my stomach as if I was doing crunches all afternoon :(

Which made me think what my :( alter's extreme emotions must have done to the blog owner, Missing In Sight? What was I thinking before? Where was I before? I feel I would have to apologize all the time, if I am to allow the extreme emotions to be any more expressed, in blogging/replying any more. :(

So "what does one do with one's alter's expressions of the extreme emotions"?

This is what he wrote as reply to
http://missinginsight.blogspot.com/2009/02/im-once-twice-three-times-purger.html

Re: "What a low blow to fundamentally say res. treatment is contraindicated b/c we want/need attention."

I agree with you.

You DO deserve both - the attention AND residential help!

To be precise - you deserve as much attention as you can get (compensating for the lack of it from your past) AND (even more so) a safe place where your alters can "come out" and express their own emotions creatively.

Bottom line: your current T. still doesn't get it and never will. Dump him! Show him a finger! Even better, throw him up, not the food b/c he is disgusting (not the food) - express the emotion of disgust creatively now.

It's a great opportunity to do it in real life, not in expressive dance like my poor host (Sam) is doing in his classes.

Sam's the most bold alter (<-- Click to see his own blog )

I think it was his comparing the actual food with what she was being fed with (by her T. as a rotten food for soul) what was the most disturbing for me, and it caused my stomach to curl up.

Gillian Wightman's slideshow on Working with extreme...

2009-01-23T13:48:00.011+01:00

At the bottom I have put my version of Gillian's text for my personal use only.

Nobody reads my blog, anyway, so there is no need to remove it.

I have re-written and re-phrased her thoughts to suit my own needs.

The very process of re-writing and re-phrasing Gillian's text was a great opportunity for communication between my inner child and his experiences on one hand, and on the other hand the abstract knowledge of my inner male...

It was a great therapeutic homework.

Thank you Gill for asking me to read your text!

My inner child only trusts stories, and doesn't trust anyone who only theorizes - that's probably why my inner child does not trust my inner male, or one among the reasons... Gill is right. She is very illuminating person;) She definitively is!